Kwentong Barbero

Mad Cow

2008-06-22T18:00:00.001-07:00

A female reporter was interviewing a farmer regarding mad cow disease.

Reporter: Sir, would you like to comment about the mad cow disease?

Farmer: Lady, do you know that bulls and cows only have sex once a year?

Reporter: Sir, I respect your comment but we are talking about mad cows disease.

Farmer: Lady, and do you know that we squeeze cow's breast six times a day.

Reporter: Sir, but what is it got to do with mad cows disease?

Farmer: If your boyfriend squeeze your breast six times a day, but only have SEX once in a year WILL YOU BE MAD?

Dity Joke 4

2008-06-22T17:57:00.000-07:00

What is the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
" After a year, the dog is still excited to see you."

A wife complains to the doctor that her hubby is 300% impotent.
The doc asks "how 300%?" She says: "you know about the 100%, and now he has broken his finger and burnt his tongue."

Teacher: "why buffaloes get depressed after milking?
Student: "Ma'am, if your boobs are rubbed for 2 hours & then you are left unfucked how would feel?"

Policeman arrested a prostitute.
Prostitute: "I'm not selling sex!"
Policeman: "Then what are you doing?"
Prostitute: "I'm selling condoms and offering free demo."

Dirty Joke 3

2008-06-22T17:55:00.000-07:00

Latest statistics on 'what men do after SEX???
2% eat
3% smoke cigarettes
4% take a shower
5% go to sleep
86% get up and go back home to their wife
HOW TRUE!!!

What did Newton's dick say to him after seeing a nude woman?
"Fuck you and your law of gravity, I'm going UP."

Man was sobbing in a bar. His friend asked 'why?'
He said: "my wife makes me pay $ 100/- for every Fuck!"
Friend said: "you're lucky, she charges others $ 250/

Lady scolds her maid for inefficiency. Angry maid says, " at least I am better than you in bed." Lady (amazed): ?Did boss tell you this?"
Maid: "No, the driver did."

Dirty Joke 2

2008-06-22T17:51:00.000-07:00

Q : How do the Talibans seduce their women?
A : First they attack their twin towers, then they crash into their pentagon.

Girls reaction to penis sizes:
# 9" - oh shit pain!
# 7" - oh yes, yum!
# 6" - oh perfect!
# 5" - mmm ok!
# 4" - push more
# 3" - is it in?
# 2" - idiot! Just use your tongue.

Ever wondered why ABCDEF are used to define bra sizes?
A - Airport (flat)
B - Barely there
C - Can do
D - Damn good
E - Enormous
F - Fake

During pregnancy:
The 1st three month s, do it the normal style.
Next three months do it the doggy style
And the last three months do it the wolf style: outside the hole and howl.

Dirty Joke 1

2008-06-22T17:50:00.000-07:00

A man bumps into a woman and says "So sorry ma'am. If your heart is as soft as your breasts,you will forgive me."

The lady replies: "If your dick is as hard as your elbow, am in room 603"

Miracles of a woman

2008-06-22T17:49:00.000-07:00

4 miracles of a woman:

1. getting wet without taking a shower
2. bleeding without getting hurt
3. giving milk without eating grass
4. and making boneless flesh hard.

SMART ANSWERS

2008-06-22T17:47:00.000-07:00

SMART A**
ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline."Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. "What are my choices?" John asked. "Yes or no," she replied.

SMART A**
ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

SMART A**
ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Don't these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

SMART A**
ANSWER #3
The cop got out o f his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART A**
ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it , the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out o f gas."

SMART A**
ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007 A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

The Perfect Breasts

2008-06-22T17:42:00.000-07:00

A guy walking down the street sees a woman with the world's most perfect breasts. He says to her,
"Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars? "
"Are you nuts? !!" she replies, and keeps walking away.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.
"Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again.
"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"
So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again.
"Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?"
She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars, eh? Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?
"Nah", he replies. "Costs too much..."

Dagohoy

2008-06-03T20:43:00.000-07:00

It was the first day of school in Washington, DC and a new student named Dagohoy, the son of a Filipino immigrant, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher began, "Let's review some American history, Class. Who said 'Give me liberty or give me death?'" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Dagohoy's who had his hand up,"Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good," said the teacher.

"Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, and for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"?Again, no response except from Dagohoy: "Abraham Lincoln, Gettysburg, 1863," he said.

The teacher snaps at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed, Dagohoy who is new to our country knows more about our history than you do."

She hears a loud whisper from the back: "Screw the Filipinos." "Who said that?" she demanded.Dagohoy put his hand up. "General John Pershing, Manila, 1896."

At that point, Jack, another student says, "I'm going to puke." The teacher glares and asks, "All right! Now who said that?" Again Dagohoy answers, "George Bush, Sr. to the Japanese Prime Minister during the state dinner, Tokyo, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Fuck this!!" Dagohoy jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher at the top of his voice,"Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, the Oval Office, 1997!!"

Someone shouts, "You little shit if you say anything else, I'll kill you."

Dagohoy yells, "Congressman Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, Washington, D.C., 2001!"

The teacher faints. "I'm outta here!" mutters one student as he sidles to the door. "President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo, Baguio City, December 30,2002!!" Dagohoy responds.

As the class gathers around her on the floor, someone says, "Oh shit, now we're really in big trouble!"
"Saddam Hussein, on the Iraq invasion, Baghdad, May 2003!" Dagohoy bellowed.

"Now, I really have to run," Jack mutters, heading for the exit.
"Gloria Macapagal Arroyo again, Pampanga, October 4, 2003!!!" Dagohoy shouts triumphantly jumping with glee.

Then a burly African-American boy grabbed Dagohoy and strangled him, about to give a fistful to a frightened Dagohoy. Then an Asian boy stood up and shouted, "Hey easy on him. I'M A FILIPINO!"
Dagohoy then blurted out before he got socked out,
"Fernando Poe, Jr. Manila, January 2004!!!"

English Lessons

2008-06-03T20:32:00.000-07:00

1. Use ADIEU in a sentence.
If you are ADIEU, the Arabs will kill you.

2. Use SCHOOLING in a sentence.
(Phone rings)…..Hello? Who SCHOOLING?

3. Use AFFECT in a sentence.
Maria is wearing AFFECT diamond ring.

4. Use PAUL four times in a sentence.
PAUL, be care PAUL, you might PAUL in the swimming PAUL.

5. Use DELETION in a sentence.
The balat of DELETION is crispy.

6. Use PAMPERS and PAPERS in a sentence.
At the gas station, some people PAMPERS and some PAPERS.

7. Use TENACIOUS in a sentence.
I went to the shoe store to buy a pair of TENACIOUS.

8. Use IRAQ , EGYPT , and IRAN in a sentence.
I threw IRAQ at EGYPT and then IRAN .

10. Use DEFLATE in a sentence.
Can you please wash DEFLATE for me?

11. Use PERSUADING in a sentence.
Jack and Jill got married on Nov. 1, 1997. So on Nov. 1, 1998, they are going to celebrate their PERSUADING anniversary.

12. Use DEDUCT, DEFENSE, DEFEAT, and DETAIL in a sentence.
DEDUCT jumped over DEFENSE; first DEFEAT, and then DETAIL.

13. Use DEVASTATION in a sentence.
Every morning I wait for the bus at DEVASTATION.

14. Use FACT 3x in a sentence.
As a matter of FACT, the birds cannot fly without FACT FACT!

European English

2008-06-03T20:31:00.000-07:00

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as “Euro-English. “In the first year, “s” will replace the soft “c”. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard “c” will be dropped in favour of “k”. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when thetroublesome “ph” will be replaced with “f.” This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which havealways ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent “e” in the language is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” with “z” and “w” with “v”.
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaining “ou” and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

No Speakah dah Englush!

2008-06-03T20:30:00.000-07:00

A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her
attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

“Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more!
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.”

The lady can’t take this any more,
“You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,” she retorted indignantly. “In this country. we don’t speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives.

“Hey, coola down lady,” said the man.
“Who talkin’abouta sex? I’m a justa tellin’ my frienda how to spell ‘ Mississippi’.”

>$5.00 says you’re gonna read this again!

Suka to the max

2008-06-03T20:29:00.001-07:00

Pare 1: Pre, nasusuka ako kaya lang di ako masuka
Pare 2: Madali lang yan, pre ~ sundutin mo tonsils mo (pare 1 sinundot angtonsils ..)
Pare 1: Di pa rin ePare 2: Hmmmmm … sundutin mo pwet mo (pare 1 sinundot ang pwet …)Pare 1: Wala pa rin
Pare 2: Ngayon, tsaka mo ule isundot sa bibig mo … pag hindi ka pa masukanyan ewan ko na!

Pa kornihan

2008-06-03T20:28:00.000-07:00

Holduper: Pili ka, wallet mo o pasabugin utak mo?
Biktima: Ikaw na bahala..bastaa pareho po yan walang laman!

TEACHER: Anong similarity nina Jose Rizal, Andres Bonifacio, Ninoy Aquinoat Apolinario Mabini?
STUDENT: Ma’am, pagkaka-alam ko po, silang lahat ay pinanganak ng holiday!

TITSER: Juan, use recharge & caffeine in a sentence.
JUAN: Si “Recharge” Gutierrez ay si “Caffeine” Barbell. ?

Pirated pa!

2008-06-03T20:27:00.002-07:00

ERAP: Soli ko tong nabili kong DVD.
FPJ: Anong problema?
ERAP: Walang picture, tsaka sound. Sayang. Suspense thriller pa yata to.Tsk, tsk…
FPJ: Anong title?
ERAP: “The Lens Cleaner”

Mumu

2008-06-03T20:27:00.001-07:00

BUNSO: Tay , may multo daw sa kusina natin?

TATAY: Anak, sino naman nagsabi sayo nyan?

BUNSO: Si ate po!

TATAY: Ay nako, wag ka nga magpapaniwala dun! Wala namang multo eh! Angmabuti pa samahan mo na lang ako sa kusina, at iinom lang ako ng tubig…

Promdi

2008-06-03T20:26:00.000-07:00

PROMDI: Lam ko promdi lang ako kaya wag mo kong lolokohin! Bakit ganito ang kwarto ko?!?! Maliit, wala pang kama at bintana….. ha?!?!

ROOMBOY: Sir, nasa elevator pa lang po tayo…

Si Nanay, si Tatay at si Jun-Jun

2008-06-03T20:25:00.000-07:00

MRS: Bakit ngayon ka lang?
MR: Pasensha na, nagyaya mga officemates ko, nagkainuman lang. Hehe! Hik,
MRS: Lasing ka no?
MR: Ako, lashing? Hindi! Hik
MRS: Anong hindi?! La ka namang trabaho, pano ka nagka-officemates?

Jun-Jun: Inay! Ako lang ang nakasagot sa tanong ng titser namin kanina!
Inay: Very good! Ano ba ang tanong ng titser ninyo?
Jun-Jun: “Sino ang walang assignment?”

Inakupoooh!

2008-06-03T20:24:00.000-07:00

Girl: Maganda ba ko?
Boy: Oo, kaya lang, Bumbayin ka…
Girl: Hindi naman ako mukhang Bumbay, ah?! Tisay yata to!
Boy: Oo nga, pero ‘yung amoy mo, Bumbayin!

Eliseo: Sobra na talaga ang katangahan ng kumare mo. Ang akala niya, ang LAWSUIT ay uniporme ng pulis!
JoshuA: Sus! Tanga nga! Eh di ba, uniporme ng abugado yun?!

Senior Citizen

2008-06-03T20:23:00.000-07:00

Host: Ano po ang maipaglilingkod ko sa inyo?
Tanda: Pwede ho bang manawagan?
Host: Ilang taon na po kayo?
Tanda: 98 y/o na po ako.
Host: Wow! Ang tanda nyo na pala! O, sige po… manawagan na kayo.
Tanda: Itay, umuwi na kayo! Hindi na nagagalit si Lolo sa inyo!

Courtroom lokos 3

2008-06-03T20:21:00.000-07:00

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there...

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.A
TTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

Courtroom Lokos 2

2008-06-03T20:20:00.000-07:00

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he’s twenty-one..

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin’ me?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh…. I was gettin’ laid!

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.A
TTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shittin’ me? Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

Courtroom lokos 1

2008-06-03T20:17:00.002-07:00

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh….are you qualified to ask that question?

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?WITNESS: No.A
TTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising

Relo

2008-06-03T20:17:00.001-07:00

Street Vendor : “bili na kayo ng relo! gold watch ito!pag namuti, white gold!pag huminto stopwatch!”

Proxy

2008-06-03T20:16:00.001-07:00

Couple talking:

wife : hon, paki fix naman ilaw sa labas.

husband : hello!? electrician ba ako?

wife : eh di pakigawa na lang hagdan natin.

husband : hello!? karpintero ba ako?

umalis c husband, pagbalik gawa na lahat ng sira sabahay. tinanong niya wife kung sino gumawa ng trabaho.

wife : kasi kanina a man saw me crying, sabi ko dami sira dito sa bahay. so he offered to help in exhange of either sex or bake ko sya ng cake.

husband : so pinag-bake mo siya ng cake?

wife : hello?! baker ba ako?!

Uulitin mo

2008-06-03T20:15:00.000-07:00

gf : hu hu hu hu bakit natin ginawa ito? hindi na ako virgin at dalawang beses pa natin ginawa!bf : ano? isa lang ah?!
gf : bakit, hindi na ba natin uulitin mamaya?!

Surprise!

2008-06-03T20:14:00.002-07:00

Friend: “Wow, pare, ganda ng sapatos mo, ah!”

Husband: “Oo. Surprise gift ng kumare mo!”

Friend: “Surprise? Ano occassion?”

Husband: “Wala. Nakita ko na lang sa ilalim ng kama namin kagabi!”

Oh, my cross!

2008-06-03T20:14:00.001-07:00

Husband came home from church, suddenly lifted his wifeand carried her.

Wife: Why? Did the Pastor tell you to be romantic like this?

Husband: No! He told me to carry my cross!

Whose baby?

2008-06-03T20:13:00.002-07:00

Sa harap ng nursery window;

Friend: Pare, pag laki ng anak mo, am sure magaling mag-drive

Dad: Bakit, pare, malaki ba ang kamay?

Friend: Hindi. Kasi kamukha siya ng driver ninyo!

Akin at iyo

2008-06-03T20:13:00.001-07:00

Husband: “Parati na lang tayo away! Maghiwalay na lang tayo!”

Wife: “Sige, maghati tayo ng mga anak!”

Husband: “Akin ang mga guwapo at maganda!”

Wife: “Sus! Pinili pa yung hindi kanya!”

Kidnapping

2008-06-03T20:12:00.003-07:00

May isang intsik na sa sobrang hilig sa karaoke ayinabot ng 5 am.Dahil sa takot mabugbog ni misis, nag-text ng:

“HUWAG KA BAYAD RANSOM. NAKATAKAS AKO. UWI NA KO!”

Huling love affair

2008-06-03T20:12:00.001-07:00

Wife: Lab, may taning na ang buhay ko. Huling gabi ko nato, let’s make love.

Husband: Heh! tumigil ka nga. Maaga pa akong gigisingbukas, buti ikaw, hindi na.

Sabi ni Boss eh!

2008-06-03T20:11:00.003-07:00

WIFE: Himala! aga mong umuwi ngayon.

HUSBAND: Sunod ko lang utos ng boss ko. Sabi nya “GO TOHELL”, kaya ito uwi agad ako..

Sabi ni Boss eh!

2008-06-03T20:11:00.001-07:00

WIFE: Himala! aga mong umuwi ngayon.

HUSBAND: Sunod ko lang utos ng boss ko. Sabi nya “GO TOHELL”, kaya ito uwi agad ako..

Ano ba yun?

2008-06-03T20:10:00.002-07:00

WIFE: I’m warning you! Parating na husband ko in 1 hour!
HANDSOME VISITOR: Wala naman akong ginawang masama ah?
WIFE: kaya nga! kung may balak ka, GAWIN MONA!!!

Who, you???

2008-06-03T20:10:00.001-07:00

Ano kadalasan ang sinasabi kapag nautot?
American: Excuse me.
British: Pardon me.
Pinoy: NOT ME!

Usapang Buwan

2008-06-03T20:09:00.001-07:00

RUSSIAN: we’re 1st in space
USA : we’re 1st in the moon
ERAP: we’ll be the 1st in the sun
USA : you can’t go there, you’ll burn
ERAP: we’re not stupid, we’ll go there at NIGHT!

Birth Control

2008-06-03T20:08:00.000-07:00

Population policies of countries:
China : Stop at 1 child.
Singapore : Stop at 2 children
Phil: STOP AT 4 A.M. !

The Filipino, the German and the Pakistani

2008-06-03T20:07:00.000-07:00

A Filipino, a German and a Pakistani got arrested consuming alcohol which is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia , so for the terrible crime they are all sentenced 20 lashes each of the whip.As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik announced: “It’s my first wife’s birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.”

The German was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: “Please tie a pillow to my back.”

This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes & the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Pakistani was next up. After watching the German in horror he said smugly: “Please fix two pillows to my back.”

But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes & the Pakistani was also led away whimpering loudly.

The Filipino was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: “You are from one of most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!”

“Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness,” the Filipino replied.
“In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes.”

“Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave.” The Sheik said with an admiring look on his face.
“If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it.
“And what is your second wish, ?” the Sheik asked.

Filipino smiled and said, “Tie the Pakistani to my back” !!!

Bagoong

2008-06-03T20:06:00.003-07:00

TEACHER: Class, draw a fish..!CLASS: Yes ma’am!
TEACHER: Pedro, why is ur drawing very dirty..?

PEDRO: Ma’am, bagoong po yan.”

Bagoong

2008-06-03T20:06:00.001-07:00

TEACHER: Class, draw a fish..!CLASS: Yes ma’am!
TEACHER: Pedro, why is ur drawing very dirty..?

PEDRO: Ma’am, bagoong po yan.”

Pulis at Intsik

2008-06-03T20:05:00.004-07:00

Pulis: boss konting abuloy lang, may namatay na pulis.
Intsik: ako malaki migay amuloy masta alaw-alaw melon pulis paktay oke..”

Pasyente at Doktor

2008-06-03T20:05:00.003-07:00

PASYENTE: Dok. . . Ninenerbyos po ako! First operation ko po ito. . .
DOK: Alam ko ang nararamdaman mo. . .Kasi ikaw rin ang una kong pasyente!!!

Si Tanga at si Bobo

2008-06-03T20:05:00.001-07:00

Tanga: kamusta yung exam mo?
Bobo: wala ako nasagutan, blanko yung papel ko. Ikaw?
Tanga: naku, blangko din yung papel ko, baka sabihin ni titser, nagkopyahan tayo!

Si driver pala!

2008-06-03T20:04:00.001-07:00

WIFE: maghiwalay na tayo!
MAN: ok,akin ang bahay!
WIFE: akin ang farm!
MAN: akin ang kotse!
WIFE: ah pero akin driver
MAN: pwes, magkakamatayan tyo, MATAGAL NA SIYANG AKIN!”

Beer lang!

2008-06-03T20:03:00.000-07:00

Mrs: hoy!Tama na yang beer mo masyado ka magastos

Mr: Ikaw make-up mo ang magastos

Mrs: Nagpapaganda ako para syo

Mr: Ako umiinom naman para gumanda ka!”

Bagong kasal

2008-06-03T20:02:00.002-07:00

MRS: Honey malapit na tayong maging 3 dito sa bahay

MR: Talaga honey? Pinasaya mo ako sa balita mo

MRS: Oo dito na titira ang nanay ko!

DNA Test

2008-06-03T20:02:00.001-07:00

REPORTER: Sir, kung wala po kayong evidence, witness or suspect ano na po ang next step ninyo??
Police: DNA na…REPORTER: sir, ano po yung DNA ???Police: “Di Namin Alam

Historical

2008-06-03T20:01:00.002-07:00

Man1: Away kami ni misis, nag-Historical siya
Man2: Pare baka ang ibig mo sabihin ay nag-Hysterical
Man1: Hinde, historical kasi inungkat lahat ng kasalanan ko!

Paniki

2008-06-03T20:01:00.001-07:00

A black baby is given a pair of wings by a fairy..

BABY: Does this mean I am an angel???

FAIRY: (laughs) of course not! tong negrang to! ambisyosa! PANIKI ka!!

Wall flower

2008-06-03T20:00:00.000-07:00

In a party, a handsome guy approached a girl and asked;“are you going to dance??
The girl felt so happy that someone finally asked her and she said; “yes”
and the guys said “that’s good, can I have your chair??”

Father and Son

2008-06-03T19:59:00.002-07:00

Naglalakad ang mag-ama, nakakita ng eroplano
ANAK: Tay! Krus! Ang laking krus!
TATAY(Binatukan ang anak): Nakita mo ng krus eh! Lumuhod tayo!”

Usapang trabaho

2008-06-03T19:59:00.001-07:00

Employee: boss pwede ba ako nalang ang papalit dun pwesto sa manager natin na kamamatay lang?
Boss: ok lang sa akin na ikaw ang pumalit sa kanya, ewan ko lang kung papayag ang punerarya

2008-06-03T19:58:00.000-07:00

Bush visited the Philippines and Erap acted as his translator:
Bush: “Lets help one another…”
Erap: “Tayo’y magtulungan…”
Bush: “…let’s strive together…”
Erap: “…tayo’y magsikap…”
Bush: “…because in union there is strength.”
Erap: “…dahil sa sibuyas may titigas!”

Spelling---AAANNN!

2008-06-03T19:57:00.000-07:00

Bongbong – Pare sinong idol mo?
Chavit–Si Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Bongbong– Sige nga, spell Schwarzenegger.
Chavit –Hindi, joke lang pare, si Jet Li talaga idol ko.

Erap writing on a slum book:
Favorite Actor: Arnold Scharzene… … (erase)
Arnold Schwarze… … (erase)
Arnold Schwarzz… … (erase)
Arnold Shwazenne…. ..(erase)
Arnold Shwazenner… ..(erase)
Arnold Shwarzenneg.. ..(erase)
Arnold Schchwarzenne… (erase)
Arnold Clavio

Kung naging Pinoy si Noah

2008-06-03T19:55:00.002-07:00

Kung Pinoy si Noah….

…Ganito ang mangyayari sa barko. Read along…

Taong 2007 at isang ordinaryong middle class Pinoy si Noah. Nagpakita sa kanya ang Diyos at sinabing “Pagkatapos ng isang taon ay bubuhos ang ulan at babahain ang buong kapuluan ng Pilipinas. Gusto kong gumawa ka ng isang malaking arko at isakay mo rito ang pares-pares na mga hayop at mga mag-asawang pilipino sa iba’t ibang kapuluan.”

Ibinigay kay Noah ang “specs” ng arko at taos puso nitong tinanggap ang responsibilidad na sagipin ang sambayanang Pilipino sa napipintong pagbaha.

Lumipas ang taon, muling nagpakita ang Diyos kay Noah. Walang arkong nagawa si Noah at galit na galit siyang tinanong ng Diyos, “Nasaan ang arko na ipinagawa ko sa iyo? “Tumugon si Noah,”Patawarin po ninyo ako kung di po natupad ang utos ninyo! Nagkaroon po ng malaking problema sa plano po ninyo .”

At inilahad ni Noah ang mga sagabal na nakaharap niya sa pag-gawa ng arko. Humingi siya ng Mayor’s permit pero papayag lang daw si Mayor kung ang gagawa ng arko ay ang construction firm ng kanyang pamangkin. Tumungo siya sa Congressmanpero papayag lang daw si Congressman kung may matatanggap siyang 30% commission. Nagtayo ng unyon ang mga kinuha niyang manggagawa at nag-strike. Natunugan ng mga left-leaning groups ang kanyang balak at ang mga ito ay nag-rally dahil daw sa hindi makatarungang pagpili ng mga taong sasakay sa arko (mga taong naniniwala lang sa Diyos ang pwedeng sumakay). Nakisali sa rally ang mga bakla at tomboy dahil bias daw na normal na mag-asawa lang ang pwedeng sumakay. Ang civil society group ay nakisali na rin sa gulo dahil napag-alaman daw nila na ang pondong gagamitin sa paggawa ng arko ay galing sa donasyon ng mga gambling lords at katas ng hueteng Sa kaguluhang ito ay napilitang magpatawag ng hearing ang senado “in aid of legislation”. Sinubukan ni Noah na gamitin ang EO 464 para makaiwas sa hearing pero dahil hindi sya executive official, napilitan siyang tumistigo. Nang malaman ng senado na utos ng Diyos ang pagpapagawa ng arko, dineklara nila itong unconstitutional dahil hindi raw nito iginalang ang separation ng church at state Nakialam na rin ang NBI at PNP at sinabi nilang meron silang impormasyon na ang barko raw na ito ay gagamitin ni Erap sa kanyang pagtakas. Sinabi naman ng ISAFP at DOJ na ito raw ay gagamitin ng grupong Magdalo sa binabalak nilang coup laban kay Arroyo. Nilapitan ni Noah si Mike Defensor para makipag-usap kay GMA. Payag daw si GMA na ituloy ang arko kung ipapaskil daw sa arko ang malaking mukha ni Arroyo na may slogan “Towards a Strong Republic”.

”Hindi po ako pumayag kaya hanggang ngayon po ay may TRO ang pag-gawa ng arko. Sa palagay ko po kailangan ko pa ng 10 taon para matapos ang inyong proyekto”. Ang huling wika ni Noah.

Napa-iling ang Diyos at sinabing, “Di ko na kailangang wasakin pa ang bansang ito. Hayaan ko na lang kayong sumira nito.”

Ano ang dialogue mo?

2008-06-03T19:55:00.001-07:00

Pinapaikot mo lang ako! Nagsasawa na ako sa ganito! Mabuti pa, patayin mo na ako!!! – ELECTRIC FAN
Hala, sige, pagpakasasa ka! Alam ko naman na katawan ko lang ang habol mo!- HIPON
Ayoko na! Pag nagmamahal ako, maraming nagagalit! Wala naba talaga akong karapatang magmahal? – GASOLINA
Ginawa ko na ang lahat para sumaya ka! Mahirap ba talagang makuntento sa isa? Bakit palipat-lipat ka? – T.V.
Sawang-sawa na ako! Lagi nyo nalang akong pinag papasa-pasahan! – BOLA
Bakit ba ako nalang lagi pinag-iinitan nyo? – TAKORE
Ako na nga ang natapakan, ikaw pa ang galit! – TAE

Kwetong TNT

2008-06-03T19:54:00.001-07:00

DAN TORRES from BICOL, nag TNT sya sa STATES.
Sa Grocery…
Cashier: Visa or Master?
Dan (kinabahan): Hinahanapan ako ng Visa?
(Nagmadali sya. Sumakay sa car, pero low on fuel na pala. Dumaan sya sa gasoline station)
Gas Boy: pay first!
Dan (Nenerbiyos): Patay! PAPERS daw?!
(Tumakbo sya sa second phone booth para tumawag sa bahay)
Operator: AT&T, can I help you?
Dan (Namutla): Alam nila na TNT ako???
(Pinawisan at lumabas sa phone booth)
Kano: Are you done:
Dan : Pati pangalan ko alam nila!
Kano: tourist?
Dan: huh? Pati apelyedo ko alam din?!
Kano: Be cool!
Dan: pati probinsya ko???
HINIMATAY SI DAN (Hehehe…. mag TNT ka pa)